Children and Divorce

It's a sad fact that nearly 50% of first marriages in countries like the US and the UK end in divorce these days with an even higher figure for second time marriages at around 60% to 80% of those ending in divorce.

It's a fair bet that if those first or indeed second marriages have lasted for just a few years there are likely to be one, two or even more children to that relationship. It can be truly said that children are the "innocent casualties" of a divorce however amicable between the parties !

What is important to realise for the adults in any divorce is that it is the children who have the most to lose in the situation if it is not handled right by either or both of the parties involved. Divorce is often a time of high emotions that if they get out of hand can damage the children to the divorce for the rest of their lives !

Children's lives are changed for ever after divorce or separation with one or both parties agreeing to go their separate ways. As a consequence some children will remain in the former matrimonial family home or maybe have to move to a new flat or house or series of different abodes in the quest for stability after the divorce process.

Children may only see their mother or father infrequently after the divorce depending on any outcome to custody or visitation or access rights. Many Dad or Mums become "weekenders" grabbing a couple of nights here or there throughout the month or in a best case sharing custody equally.

Children may live many miles from one or other of their parents and in some cases one parent will leave the country after divorce meaning that children may only see their absent parent at holiday times or not at all for long periods of time.

I am sure if you are preparing to be a divorced parent you will encounter a number of these scenarios after your divorce involving your children. I know that in many cases the "aftermath" of divorce lasts well into adulthood for many children and that is an unavoidable fact !

So faced with this daunting prospect what is the best ANY parent can do if they have reached the point where divorce is an inevitabilty and the children's needs in relation to knowing about this matter have to be taken into account !

The fact is that children do have a fundamental right to be told about an impending divorce or separation by one or both parties to the marriage and to be told in such a way that keeps them safe and honours their feelings ?

So what do the experts recommend as to the best way of doing this ? These are some guidelines :

1)If possible confer with your spouse before telling the children about divorce. This may not always be easy particularly if relations are strained but is in the children's best interests;

2)If possible both parents should be in attendance when telling the children and all children to the marriage should be told at the same time together;

3)Remain calm and avoid blame, the better able parents are able to do this the better will children hear the news and accept it;

4)Offer a generalised reason for the divorce without going into too much personal detail;

5)Tell the children what specific changes are likely to take place as a consequence of the divorce. This is likely to be short term such as where they will be living and with whom etc.

6)Where will the "absent parent" be living and when and where can the children expect to see him or her;

7) Reassure the childen that the divorce is none of their doing. Reaffirm the love that both parents have for their children collectively and individually and despite the change of circumstances the children are still loved by both parents equally;

8)Accept your children's reactions to this news. Whatever way they react either with confused or difficult emotions continue to reassure them. They need to feel that it's OK to cry or whatever;

9)Respond appropriately to their questions and answer as truthfully as you can with what you know at the time;

10)The children will need time to adjust to the news and to begin to see that the future although different can still be hopeful with both parents continuing to play a positive role in their lives.

I do hope the above will be useful to you in the challenge of explaining to your children of whatever age about your impending divorce.

I have recently discovered an innovative guidebook which helps you to put together a personal family storybook to help prepare children for divorce, This is in age related language for children from very young ages up to pre adult teens. I really think this can help enormously prepare children in the best way to face their parents' divorce. For more on this go here.